Jesus Calls for Biden to Quit Race

Savior's Statement Unprecedented

Jesus

Acknowledging that “I don’t usually getteth involved in politics,” famed religious leader Jesus Christ today joined the growing parade of public figures demanding that President Biden step down from the 2024 presidential campaign.

“President Biden hath been a fine Caesar,” said the deceased Middle Easterner millions of Christians regard as the Lord, “but he will be doing his empire, as well as himself, a disservice, if he continues to run while enfeebled.”

Mr. Christ made his remarks at a news conference at the United Nations building in New York. He was introduced by the Rev. Al Sharpton, a close friend.

Also today, President Biden was told to quit by writer Bob Woodward, New Yorker editor David Remnick, actor Zack Efron, chef Gordon Ramsay, Cher, New York Yankees outfielder Aaron Judge, beet farmer Jed Pinkham, comic book character Archie Andrews and former First Lady Melania Trump.

Reuters said more than 42 million people have requested that Biden quit. The President arrived at Camp David yesterday to be harangued by his family and told to quit. Several deer stopped by the presidential retreat to tell Biden to quit. A homeless man on a stolen unicycle said, “Biden, quit.”