Did JD Vance Kill the Pope???

Weak Pontiff Was Vulnerable to Evil

Vance looms menacingly over frightened Pope at Vatican meeting while a potted plant shrivels behind them

The death of Pope Francis only one day after he met with evil US Vice President JD Vance has the beloved Pontiff’s fellow Jesuits and thousands of grieving Catholics wondering if the two events were related.

“We are not saying that the Veep used some kind of exotic, Putin-style assassination technique such as the classic poisoned umbrella tip,” said Father Dominic J. Papardella, SJ, K of C, deputy assistant superior general of the Society of Jesus. “Just that, I mean imagine if you’re really feeling shitty, you’re basically propped up in your armchair hovering between Paradise and the earthly realm, and in walks JD fucking Vance!”

Neutral observers, some of whom may have been Jewish, point out that even though Vance is a Catholic convert, he more or less stands for everything Pope Francis hated.

Pope Francis muttered something unintelligible when Vance greeted him on Easter Sunday, the holiest day in the Christian liturgy, but a nearby cardinal told this reporter, “To me it sounded like, ‘Dear Lord, give me the strength to flee this chamber.’” Observers denied a rumor that the Pope’s head began to spin at that point.

Though many deeply religious people believe Vance to be a minion of the antiChrist and one who projects a palpable aura of evil, Prof. Yehuda D. Gupte, head of the Rational Logic Dept. at Syracuse University’s School of Clear Thinking, pooh-poohed the possibility of black magic coming into play.

“Pooh pooh,” he said. “And you can quote me.”

However, sources close to a passing Deity revealed that Vatican forensic crime-lab teams are closely examining the gift that Vance and his wife, Usha, gave the ill Pontiff, a giant plush Easter Bunny that sings “Easter Parade” in Italian if squeezed in the right place, but so far have found nothing sinister.

Security officials at the next stop on Vance’s European tour, the bunker of President Volodymir Zelensky, disclosed that a lookalike for the beleaguered Ukrainian leader would meet with Vance, and not “the Big Zelensky.”