Dear Mr. Ethical Guy: I was a contestant on a “Survivor”-type TV reality show. They flew us to New Zealand and left us in the wilderness. They gave us no food. I got really, really hungry. Then I saw a bird, a brown flightless bird on the run, so I chased it and hit it in the head with a rock. It kicked me in the neck, but after some wrestling, I killed it and made a fire and cooked it. It wasn’t bad, especially the big drumsticks. Well, it turned out to be a weka, an endangered species and a sacred bird to the indigenous people, and the media got hold of the story and now I’m getting massive hate on social media and death threats all day and my sister Fran won’t talk to me. Hey, how was I to know that was a spirit animal? A guy has to eat! How can I make them stop the hate?
Weka Wrecker
Mr. Ethical Guy totally sympathizes with your plight, because I too have eaten birds, though someone else killed them. I’m usually strict about harming animals, but this one doesn’t look very cute, and besides I have a simple rule that’s applicable to your problem, and it is this: Anything one does on television doesn’t count. Because television has its own rules, which are basically that the only thing that matters is ratings. You got yourself and the show a bit of attention, so its ratings will briefly rise, thus you succeeded. Enjoy your new-found fame. Take your friends and haters out to a turkey dinner. Brag about your survival skills.
Dear Mr. Ethical Guy: I work for the Trump campaign. My task is to define Kamala Harris before she and her people do it. The public does not yet have a clear, simple mind label for Harris the way they did for Biden (“Old And Feeble”) We need to brand her and fast. I suggested “the DEI Hire,” which is getting some media play. (That’s diversity, equity, inclusion—it means she’s not really qualified) My wife says that’s racist and sexist, but I say politics is a rough game and anything goes. What do you think?
Sol the Pol
Let’s see, you concede your idea is bigoted and misogynistic, but your defense is that’s okay because you’re in a dirty game so let’s play dirty. BZZZZT! Logical error! No points! First, you don’t have to be in politics—no one forced you—and second, just because other people in politics play dirty doesn’t mean you must as well, and third, are you fuckin’ kidding me? You work for Trump! What are you doing in an ethics column? Get outta here right now!
Dear Mr. Ethics Guy: We’re going on a Carribean cruise next week and I’m planning to shove my husband overboard late at night when everyone’s asleep. I’m told a lot of passengers disappear on every voyage and few questions are asked. Besides, Harvey really is obnoxious. Nobody likes him. This way is cheaper than divorce and it’s over fast. Is murder really so bad or is that just another myth we’ve been fed by the media?
Maybe Murderess
I’m sure this will sound a bit hypocritical because all my friends know I killed my first two wives, but this is an ethics column, so I must adhere to certain societal mores and traditions, okay? So I’m just going to put this out there:
Murder is wrong.
I know that’s a cliche and it’s moralizing as well, but if you kill Harvey, some day you’re going to regret it. I never have, but I was more certain than you and didn’t have to ask anyone for permission. The old-fashioned morality said don’t do this, don’t do that, or else. But the new morality, more nuanced and refined, says, well, if you feel really strongly about this, trust your instincts and do it! If it turns out to be a mistake, you can take responsibility and apologize, maybe even on television, where the audience will probably vote to forgive you for being so accountable and transparent and all that. Plus you’ll be given a nice parting gift. Probably a new car or a high-end barbecue grill.
Dear Mr. Ethical Guy,
Should I Be Concerned if a Certain Orange Guy and His Pill Popping Dr. Go On National TV and say a Bullet Shot from a Very Powerful AR-# took Off the Top Part of the Orange Guys Right Ear and then 2Weeks Later Appear In Public with the Entire Ear Intact w/ No telltale signs of Injury? IS IT REALLY A MIRACLE? DID GOD REALLY HEAL HIM? Or is it just Politics As Usual? I’m currently Conflicted.
Lew -- Your reach as influencer proven again. Just saw on web that Impossible Foods soon to introduce plant-based Weka fingers. Congrats.