Who the Hell are the Houthis?

And Why Is It Necessary for Me to Know This?

The Houthi flag (That gun-like image in the middle isn’t a weapon at all but a map of Houthiland. Motto at bottom translated into English reads: “It’s All Good. Peace Out.”)

One of the most important missions of Lewis Grossberger’s Raw Truth Bulletin is our educational role, which we take very seriously. As a respected news source, we carefully monitor the flow of the raw news supply as it floats through the complex system of coarse screens, separation chambers, aeration basins, disinfection tanks and sludge-drying beds that cleanse and purify the news for home consumption. Especially are we ever on the alert for stories of potential world-class troublemakers. Whenever a new troublemaker group bubbles up (always in some forlorn jungle, desert or swamp), we first dump it in the ON TRYOUT file, hoping the group will disappear, thus saving us time and work. If, after a year, the group is still making trouble, we assign an investigative team to take their measure and we grudgingly prepare an “explainer,” which signals their graduation to mainstream newsmaker status, with all the perks and benefits that entails. The Houthis recently passed their tryout, and so here they are. Please welcome them to your newsfeed. Next time they’re mentioned, you’ll be expected to know this background stuff cold. We’ve done our part.

What the hell is a Houthi?

The viral Internet rumor that the Houthi are an offshoot of Hootie and the Blowfish is false. They have absolutely zero connection to the multiple-Grammy-award-winning alternative rock band formed in South Carolina in 1986 and now less active with lead singer Darius Rucker successfully pursuing a solo career as a country singer. Nor should the Houthis be confused with the Hutus, whose troublemaking status was definitively established in 2009 when they went berserk and nearly wiped out the Tutsis of Rwanda, which is a country in Africa. (Now back together again—everyone happy)

The Houthis are actually a faction of rebels in Yemen. For decades, they’ve been fighting the government and no one really cared, because it’s, you know, Yemen. But then this year, the Houthis got a brilliant idea! Imagine the scene: The head Houthi stands up at the bi-monthly council meeting, puffs on his hookah, chews some myrrh and declaims: “Yo, my bros! Behold! We’re right on the Red fuckin’ Sea here. Major global shipping lane. Big boats. Rich cargoes. Will ya look at this! You can practically reach out and touch the booty!”

What Happened Next at the Houthi Council?

So the other Houthis are like, “Yeah, OK, true that, you right, bro, but like, so what? I mean where you going wid this concept, dude?” (The Houthis are a tough crowd. In the Third World, only the skeptical survive)

And the top Houthi says, “Listen, fellas. What we do, we get us some advanced weaponry, your missiles, your drones, your jet skis, and we blow up the cargo ships. Now suddenly, we’re a major troublemaker group and no longer in the On Tryout file. Maybe we even achieve the coveted status of TERRORISTS.”

Shouts of “cool” and even an “awesome” or two ring out, scaring the roving packs of rabid hyenas cruising the parking lot, but then one short Houthi with heavy tats and golden nose piercings asks: “Now where we gonna get us advanced weaponry, cousin? We broke.”

A gloomy silence descends on the room.

But the head Houthi is ready for that zinger. He flicks a few switches darkening the room and turning on a PowerPoint presentation titled: “Benefits of Hooking Up With the Islamic Republic of Iran.”

First one to find it, yell, “Yeah, man!”

Where is This So-Called Yemen?

Yemen is one of those obscure little countries on the edge of petro-behemoth Saudi Arabia, that vast sheikhdom of sand and oil hanging below the original Bible Belt like a very non-halal giant ham. But Yemen is no rich, corrupt modern petrocracy like Dubai or Qatar. Merciful Allah, He should be always at peace and never receive a spoiled fig, forgot to give Yemen oil. So it remained a backward but picturesque olde Arab stereotype of sand dunes, camel races, curved daggers and djaded djinns. Don’t think 127-story high rises built by cheap Palestinian labor and Kuwaiti contractors, think goats, frankincense-and-myrrh salesmen and Anthony Quinn in a fake nose shouting, “I am a river to my people!”.

Earliest known photo of Houthi rebels

How do you pronounce Houthi?

Either hoo-thee or hoo-tee is okay. Calling it teem-oh-tay-chal-oh-may merely reveals you to be a slave to Western imperialist thinking.

                                    We’re Out of Questions Now

So this must be the end of the article.

Believed to be current Houthi leader