On Monday, April 8, a rare solar eclipse will darken large areas of the U.S. in the middle of the afternoon, causing panic, the breakdown of societal customs and the reappearance of primitive religious rituals unseen for eons.
Scientists have worked frantically to turn the astrophysical juggernaut aside, but finally were forced to admit bitter failure on the eve of the now-inevitable event.
“I am personally and professionally devastated,” said Dr. Yehuda Gupte, team leader of Project Dark Wedgie, who was in charge of 100 internationally distinguished scientists tasked with shooting down the eclipse using nuclear drones.
They missed by 347,000 miles.
But that doesn’t mean that you have to be obliterated when the event occurs. Here’s what to do if you’re caught in the solar eclipse, according to leading experts from the U.S. Coast Guard, the Knights of Columbus, Banana Republic, the nation of Guatemala and film star Timothee Chalamet.
If you’re outdoors:
😃 Move into a lighted area: When the terrible darkness descends, it won’t be pervasive. Thousands of National Guard personnel are volunteering to serve as flashlight-carrying “light infantry” who will create anti-darkness zones for those caught unaware by the eclipse. These zones will be clustered near doughnut shops.
😃 Go indoors: Energy authorities say that most lamps and other electric lighting devices will be functioning normally inside homes, apartments and offices. Utilize these as necessary.
😃 If all else fails, freeze and stay immobile until the eclipse ends. This is admittedly drastic, but it could just save your life!
If you’re indoors:
😃 Drop, cover and hold on: Drop to all fours and take cover under a bed or table. Indoors is generally much safer than outdoors, but even there, the shadowy tentacles of the toxic eclipse will be slithering ever closer to your defenseless throat.
😃 If you’re carrying a baby, tell the baby to drop to all fours and take cover under a bed or table. If none is handy, park the baby in front of the TV. Television sets emit a steady beam of light as well as sound. Light is good. Join the baby and watch the local news.
If you’re driving:
😃 Stop driving.
😃 Cars have lights. Turn them on.
😃 Avoid all infrastructure in the Baltimore area.
😃Tell light-bulb jokes to bolster rapidly plunging morale in vehicle.
* when indoors remove sunglasses
I already did the drop,duck and cover thing during yesterday’s explosion! I mean Earthquake. Since aftershocks aren’t quite done, infrastructure around New Jersey and New York should be avoided as well. Just sayin’