Trump Says Jews Eating Robins in Springfield
Blames 'Tribe' for Endangering Songbirds
A rapidly deteriorating Donald Trump accused American Jews today of eating robin redbreasts in the politically embattled city of Springfield, Ohio.
City and state officials immediately denied the charge, calling it “absurd hokum.” But Trump’s Republican running mate J.D. Vance backed up the allegations. “While this narrative may not be 100 percent accurate,” the vice presidential candidate said at a rally in Salt Lick, Arizona, “it’s vivid and scary enough for us to use as an effective wedge issue that our gullible and bigoted base will have no trouble accepting as real.”
Trump insisted he was not being anti-Semitic. Speaking at a fund-raising party for oppressed billionaires who love Trump in Southampton, Long Island, he said, “No one respects the Jews more than I do. I’ve proven it time and again by treating them as one unified people who are all smart and prosperous and think and act exactly alike. But if the Jews keep eating robins—are they even kosher? Someone told me they’re not--and voting for my opponent, Israel will be wiped out in a year.”
Trump went on to say that he’d been informed of the robin-eating issue in Ohio by “my adorable little Jewish grandson, Chaim.” He elaborated: “Kim—that’s what I call him—he comes over to me in his cute little kipper—I like to tease him by grabbing it and tossing it to his dad, Jared, who tosses it back to me; we do it till Kim cries—he’s a bit of a sissy but military school will straighten him out—anyway, the kid comes over, he says, ‘President Grampa, did you know this month we celebrate the ancient harvest festival of Chanukus, where we eat robins on matzoh?’ I said, ‘No, young man, I did not know that. Tell me more.’ Because right away, I realized this could be big.”
Miriam Adelson, widow of unbelievably rich but tiny casino mogul, Sheldon Adelson, who hosted the billionaire-donor event, said she was happy that Trump came to her overdecorated mansion despite his “tough love” message. “Us Jews can handle a few anti-Semitic threats,” she said. “As long as he pushes my tax cut through again, I personally don’t give a shit what nonsense he spews.”
America’s leading ornithologist, Dr. Yehuda Gupte, chairman of the zoology department at Syracuse University, told reporters, “Robins sing nearly all year round and despite their cute appearance, they are aggressively territorial and are quick to drive away intruders. They will sing at night next to street lights.”
I have always loved smoked robin with a shmear on an onion bagel. But braised with onions is also delicious.
I hear that Trump is offering coupons for a $5 tax credit to anyone who says they voted for him. Just to prove he is not antisemitic, he has promised tariffs on foreign blintzes in order to protect U.S. makers of Kosher products.