Russians Protest U.S. Refusal to Let Them Vote in 2024 Election

Tired of Bribing and Hacking, They Complain

Russians demonstrate in Moscow for voting rights in U.S. presidential election. Hats were banned by authorities.

An estimated 65,000 Russians demonstrated in front of the American Embassy in Moscow yesterday, demanding the right to vote in the upcoming U.S. presidential election.

“The American presidency is too important a position to be left in the hands of the Americans,” said Semyon T. Gregorovich, chairman of Voting Rights for Russians Now (CMMPPC). “He or she makes decisions that directly affect our lives.”

Russian President Vladimir Putin expressed support for the protesters, but denied that he had fomented their action. “In 2016 and 2020 alike,” he said, “we Russians have showing our commitment to influencing outcome of U.S. election. But is unfair to make us be resorting to unorthodox and expensive methods such as bribery and computer hacking, which have marginal effect at most. The Americans always claim to be the democracy people, so come on, give us already the sacred right to vote.”

Putin, who sported a “Trump-Vance 2024” button on his black gabardine suit, joked that he might vote for Democratic nominee Kamala Harris, should he be allowed to participate in the election. “I am liking greatly her vibrations,” he said, “and also that she replaced Biden, whom I sincerely hate very much.”

Putin then went outside and, flanked by police officers, briefly joined the protesters, most of whom were hiding their faces out of habit. Pumping the air with a raised fist, Putin shouted “Freedom! Freedom!” and signed several autographs before departing.

In Washington, White House officials said it probably would be unconstitutional to grant foreigners the vote, though there was no telling what position the crackpot Supreme Court might take on the issue. Asked for comment while campaigning in Swingstate, Georgia, former President Trump said, “They’re good people, the Russians. I’ve met all the important ones, the oil tycoons, the Cossacks, whoever, and they all respect me and want to make a deal with me. As to voting, let the smart ones vote, the educated Russians, but they can’t get in the line until every single American has voted. That’s right, America first.”

A small group of counter-protesters appeared at one point, taking the position that allowing Russian voting in the U.S. election would cause massive unemployment in the crucial computer-hacker segment, possibly derailing the entire Russian economy. The group was quickly shot by police and the bodies removed in minutes.