Putin Clears Things Up

Writes Op-Ed for Raw Truth Bulletin

Hi and hello, USA! A very warm welcome to all you cool American dudes and bitches. It is I, a very relaxed Vlad Putin, addressing you most informally and perhaps even a bit casual tonight from cozy apartment of mine in historic Kremlin, where I am living typical modest Russian lifestyle along with mysterious wife and between two and five kids, who are never shown for security reasons. This crazy world, right?

Many of you without doubting have seen me last week in interview with your great American journalist, Tuckner Carson. As respectful and obedient as Tuckner was, I couldn’t help being a little disappointed. You see, I was hoping for a good, old-fashioned, slam-bang Western-style shootdown with plenty of giving take and let the spark fly where it may, no? But I am instead receiving no hardballing questions.

Where was, for example, the elephant of the room? I refer of course to Navalny. I know that your dishonest Western medias are all claiming I had Alexei whacked, as your American Mafia would put it. This is crazy talk and I wanted the chance to blow it out of water. But no Navalny question came. Not one. So now I am thinking, tell you what. Let me just sit down and tell the truth at American people. No interviewers, no talky heads, no secret policemen kidney-punching us, but only I and you alone together in a Vulcan Mind Meld, yes? (I am secretly a Trekkie!)

Such it was I agreed to writing this op-ed piece for Grossinger’s War on Truth Bulletin to share my views direct with the American public, cutting out middleman.

So first let us speak of Navalny. Hey, I was a fan! Seriously. I am giving credit the guy was very responsible to come back to Mother Russia and facing the music. And boy, was he tough. Once from behind one-way glass, I watched Alexei under interrogation by FSB personnel using third-level torture protocol and let me tell you, he gave them nothing!

What a shame it was that this fine fellow had broken the law, financing and inciting extremist activities and also rehabilitating Nazi ideology. Otherwise he could have made a good presidential candidate against me. This Russian election is so boring! It is almost as if we are cursed that so many potential candidates have suffered fatal window accidents or been arrested. But life here is not so pleasant and easy, you see. We Russians aren’t rich and pampered like you. Shit happens, as Tolstoy used to say, and so deal with it.

Another thing. This morning, I read in your prevaricating New York Times that I, Putin, am orbiting in space a nuclear weapon that can destroy everyone’s communications satellites. Right away, I am on the phone with our space people, and asking, “Is true or no?”

“Nyet,” I am told in terms of no uncertainty. “It’ll be at least three months before we get that fucker of mothers up and running.”

So you cannot trust Western media, this you again understand?

Let’s see, what else did I mean to be telling Amerikanskis? Of course, the war! How could I forget the war?

We’re winning! We took Avdiikva! Finally. War is so much easier when Nazi enemy has no ammo, and for this we must thank your Mr. Once Already President Trump. Certainly is not up to me to say to you who is best man for America—you’ll get no “election interference” or “Collusion” from this bad boy—but if you are like me loving peace, I need say no more, yes?

So now I am wishing you be in good health and God bless.

Peace out,

❤️👍😁

Vladimir Vladimirovich