Most Unforgettable Lines from Trump's Stirring Parade Speech

The Great Orator Inspires Us Anew

Our President has celebrated the US Army. Let us bask in his glow.

“And above all, thank you to the greatest, fiercest and bravest fighting force to stride the face of this earth, the United States Army.”

With Trump, anything worth praising must be basted in gloppy superlatives, or why bother? Just being good isn’t good enough for this super achiever. The problem is that when tacking “est” on all modifiers is so habitual as to be automatic, it gets just a tiny bit hard to believe. I mean who compiled these ratings on which fighting force is greatest, fiercest and bravest, anyway? Especially fiercest. Look fierce, troops, and let’s hear some snarling, because the Quinnipiac Survey is here today to rank our ferocity. And after chow, we’ll be striding the face of the earth, so you, you and you, get out there and police up that landscape! I wonder where the US Marines and the Ukrainian army’s drone controllers ranked in the world ferocity poll.

“Every other country celebrates their victories. It's about time America did too. That's what we're doing tonight.”

So that’s what we’re doing! But wait a sec. Are we sure that every country celebrates their victories? Lesotho? Canada? Guatemala? Anyway, since when did we care what other countries do? I thought we were the guys who do what’s right for us and the hell with you if you don’t like it. Now we’ve got to worry that we’re falling behind the North Koreans in the victory-celebration-parade race? Well, that’s Trump, ever the crowing braggart, parading his insecurity over the rest of us. Our parade was the best! Yours sucked! You call those missiles? Hah! You couldn’t hit a Gaza children’s hospital with those pieces of shit!

“Today we commemorate an event that did not just change American history, but changed the history of the entire world. With the creation of America's army on June 14th, 1775, liberty got its shield and the freedom got its sword. Those first army patriots in the American Revolution fought against a fearsome enemy and impossible odds, but they were armed with a righteous cause. They were led by an indomitable commander, a truly great man, General George Washington. And they were united by an eternal creed. Their motto was victory or death.”

I thought liberty and freedom were the same thing, but then I didn’t know the American Revolution was fought with shields and swords either, so you can’t go by me. And about that eternal creed the fellows were united by, I didn’t know it was “victory or death.” But I like the dramatic feeling of that. The guys who just lost an arm or leg, though, I hope they didn’t feel like they had let down the side.

“Over the past two and a half centuries, our warriors have shown unrivaled valor on fields and battle around the globe. With the frost-bitten feet and bloody fists, they have marched into the flames and fury of combat, charged up mountains, stormed beaches, waded through torrents of gunfire, and leapt into skies thick with smoke and shrapnel.”

Now we’ve reached the special-effects part of the speech, and I think we’re all pining for some action. It’s been a little awkward watching Trump and his speechwriter trying to pin down that elusive meaning behind the gunfire. But note the “warriors” bit. That’s the TC (trumpicly correct) word for what we used to call “soldiers,” which didn’t sound aggressive enough for the new, very butch US military. OK, now we all settle back happily and watch the flames and fury and the leaping into the smoky skies. Trump’s stuff doesn’t quite have the rolling cadences of Churchill’s“we shall fight them on the beaches, etc.,” but it did wake up the Russian ambassador and that’s something.

“The U.S. Army has driven bayonets into the heart of sinister empires, crushed the ambitions of evil tyrants beneath the threads of American tanks, it's done so well, it's done so much, and sent the devil himself flying into full retreat. Time and again, America's enemies have learned that if you threaten the American people, our soldiers are coming for you.”

Holy shit! Loved the bayonet scene. Slam! Right in the heart of sinister! Take that, Satan, you bastard! Yeah, keep running, motherfucker. Kudos to the FX boys on that one. And America’s enemies, you’ve learned your lesson, haven’t you? Maybe not the ones in Afghanistan, but most of you. (Yes, Trump did say “threads,” not “treads,” but that’s on the speechwriter, not Trump. He should’ve known better. Of course Trump would say “threads.”)

“Our soldiers have poured out their blood by the bucketful on Missionary Ridge and Heartbreak Ridge on the sands of Sicily, Normandy, and the Philippines, and on the dusty streets of Da Nang, Baghdad, and Fallujah. Thanks to their extraordinary service and devotion, 250 years later, America stands tall, America stands proud, and America stands free. We're the hottest country in the world right now, and our country will soon be greater and stronger than ever before.”

The war movie goes on, buckets of blood sloshing out all over the place. This is a declaration of war speech; is he going to make war on California at the end? I’m afraid to check the news. But then comes the curious “We’re the hottest country in the world right now.” Huh? This line has all the signs of a Trump ad lib. The text is all thank you for your service, O valorous American warriors, but Trump has to toss in a salute to the imaginary—what?—celebrity buzz Trump has garnered for this once tragically snubbed colossus? He certainly can’t mean “hottest” literally; that would be acknowledging climate change. Oh, well. Next comes the boast of The Glorious Future. You ain’t seen nothin’ yet! Trump has a dream. He will describe it for you.

“No matter the risk, no matter the obstacles, our warriors will charge into battle, they will plunge into the crucible of fire and they will seize the crown of victory because the United States of America will always have the grace of Almighty God and the iron will of the United States Army.

Oh, goody, more wars. Coming Soon: Warrior 2: The Crucible of Fire! (Check out the trailer on YouTube) Our warring warriors, aided by their loyal ethnic hobbit allies and a guest appearance by God Almighty, go for the golden Crown of Victory. And damn it, who left the crown in the crucible again? They charge, they plunge, they seize! They shoot…and it’s good! It’s epic, dude. But is your will iron enough to watch?

We shall see who among us has the true warrior spirit.