Mathematicians Find Trump Is Also Old!
Discovery Stuns U.S. Public
A team of super-genius math professors from Stanford University has made a startling discovery that could seriously affect the outcome of the 2024 presidential election: President Joe Biden is not the only senior in the race. Republican candidate Donald Trump is an old man, too!
“We’ve been over and over these numbers,” said Dr. Rosemary L. Tarbush, chair of the Stanford School of Mathematics and a Nobel Prize winner for her work in quadratic abstraction theory. “But any way you look at it, Trump is 77 years old, which means that if he’s inaugurated president in January, 2045, he will be 78. That is not middle-aged.”
Biden, who has been designated the old man in the race, is 81, just four years older than Trump.
Dr. Yehuda F. Gupte, an assistant professor of political mathematics at Syracuse University, explained how the Stanford team made its breakthrough discovery. “I’ll try not to get too technical here, but the Stanford team used an advanced technique that we mathematicians call subtraction or “taking away.” They knew that Trump was born on June 14, 1946. That’s what we call a given. So then you subtract, or take away, that 1946 figure from the current year, which is 2024. Of course today’s powerful computers can do that kind of calculation in under a minute, and the number they popped out was 78.”
Asked for comment on the controversy, Trump vociferously denied the Stanford figures were correct. “More lies from the mainstream educational establishment, right?” Trump said at a rally in the Mojave Desert attended by 3.7 million prairie dogs. “The other day, someone asked how old I was and Ivanka said I was 78, because even she’s been taken in by the Democrats’ lies. I told her, ‘No way, Vank. I’m 49 and always have been.’ They’re gonna put that in the Wikipedia. That’s what I heard from a guy who knows stuff.”
Behind him, a group of Trump supporters began chanting: “Make America Young Again.”
Super smart mathematicians from Trump University disputed the Stanford report. They argued that, because "78 is the new 49," Trump is much younger (and more virile) than Biden. According to these geniuses, "82 is still 82, notwithstanding any efforts by the deep state to say otherwise."
It’s good to see the new math has reached Syracuse (finally) and that their supercomputer (a grad student called Frank) did that subtraction in UNDER a Minute. With Gupte at the helm they’ll be Ivy in our lifetime. Though not Ol’ Donny or Joe’s.