Kissinger ‘Disappointed’ to Be in Hell

Evil Celebs Greet Ex-Nixon Aide

HELL--Dead former U.S. Secretary of State Henry Kissinger was cheered by millions at a traditional flypaper parade down 666^th Avenue today and then was hailed by his old boss Richard Nixon as “a guy you could always count on to back you up whether it was a coup against a democratically elected foreign government or an illegal secret bombing campaign and whose soul I’m proud to say I personally recommended to Satan.”

In Kissinger’s honor, the temperature was turned down to 146 degrees for the day and demons were ordered to observe an 18-hour moratorium on biting and raping Hell residents who turned out to celebrate.

The huge crowd clanged pots, pans and skulls together and played heavy metal music at top volume on boomboxes to make the most annoying racket humanly possible. An estimated 36,600 spectators were arrested and tortured for failing to protest violently, demonic officials reported.

Kissinger, who looked dazed on his arrival at Attila the Hun International Airport, which was on fire, told reporters he was “frankly surprised and disappointed” to find himself in the Nether Regions. “I was assured by important Republican friends that I was destined for a more elevated relocation,” he said in his famous Bavarian-accented growl that he had retained despite 85 years living in the U.S.

But the newly deceased Cabinet member perked up later at a celebrity-studded reception at the Adolf Hitler Recreation Center and Bunker, which was on fire, when he spotted a swarm of celebrities waiting to toast him with brimming glasses of bubble milk and orange soda. Among them were party hostess/poisoner Lucrezia Borgia, Austrian diplomat Klemens von Metternich, lawyer Roy Cohn, former FBI director J. Edgar Hoover and actor/assassin John Wilkes Booth. Hosting the gala reception was Walter Winchell, inventor of the gossip column.

Cohn, who was on fire, told reporters he would appeal the decision that had dispatched Kissinger to the Infernal Realm on behalf of his new client. “If necessary, I’ll take this all the way to the Supreme Judge,” Cohn vowed. “I’ve done him many favors and he owes me.”

Satan, Dark Lord of the Underworld, had promised to attend the festive event, but as usual did not show up. “What do you expect from the Great Deceiver?” a spokesman for Beelzebub chortled when reporters questioned the non-appearance. “He says he’ll come to one of these boring affairs when Hell freezes over.”

Following the parade, a spectacular fireworks exhibition was held on the River Styx, climaxing in a thermonuclear blast that wiped out the entire downtown area. First responders, as always, failed to respond.