Esther Saves the Jews Again!!
Gets Her Own Book in Bible!
Chapter I
So it came to pass many years ago in Persia* that mighty King Ahasuerus became displeased with his third wife, Queen Vashti, and issued a her-fault divorce.
Then did he send an army of eunuchs to scour the countryside for beautiful virgins, for ‘tis said that a King without a Queen is like a bull without a cow.**
Now there lived in the suburb of Susa a just man named Mordecai,*** a wise and prosperous grain merchant and a counselor to the King on all agricultural matters involving barley.
Some years ago, Mordecai had adopted his young niece, Esther, when her parents were killed in a suspicious dromedary explosion while visiting a national park. Esther had grown into a beautiful young virgin, who also had very good table manners and could speak fluent French.****
Though Mordecai and Esther didn’t often mention it, they were both ancient Hebrews.***** Not, strictly speaking, the most observant ancient Hebrews in the Achaemenid Empire, but they always contributed to the United Hebraic Appeal when the collectors came around.
When the King’s eunuchs passed through Susa and the eyes of the eunuchs fell upon the fair Esther, they did exclaim, “Whoa!” and wished their missing parts would be restored unto them.******
Chapter II
So it was that Esther journeyed to the storied city of Persepolis, where stood the architectural-award-winning royal palace of King Ahasuerus and the open-all-night porn shop he so loved.
When Ahasuerus spied the beautiful Esther through one of the many peepholes in his award-winning walls, he was pleased and did proclaim, “Zowie! That’s my queen! Right there! The beautiful Hebrew-looking one. Prepare our wedding! Send all the other virgins to the harem, which I’ll inspect later. I hear the wallpaper is peeling.”
All this was done. At the wedding, the King himself placed the royal crown upon Esther’s head and pledged his troth, saying, “The court astrologer really thinks this one’s gonna last.”
Chapter III
Now it came to pass that King Ahasuerus did appoint as his prime minister the evil Haman, who had suffered from a very unhappy childhood with a strict, controlling mother and a weak, passive father. Being a little insecure, the evil Haman ordered that all in the kingdom must bow down to him and make no eye contact whatever.
But Mordecai refused to bow down to the evil Haman, though he was fine with the eye thing.
“Why do you not bow down?” the evil Haman demanded. “Everyone else bows down. Is it killing them? I’m not seeing any bowing fatalities here.”
“I am a Hebrew,” Mordecai proclaimed. This brought a gasp from the gentlemen and ladies of the court. “A Hebrew may bow only to the Lord on High, for so says the Torah, which be the word of God. It also states that ‘bow down’ is redundant since it’s a truism that down is the only direction in which one may bow.”
The ancient chronicles tell us it was really the grammar correction that infuriated the evil Haman, who angrily shouted, “That is sacrilegious treasonous libel, a felony, and you, Mordecai, must suffer the penalty, which, as usual, is death. But wait—that’s not evil enough. Correction! All the Hebrews in Persia must die. Yeah, that’s better. Say, Keeper of the Court Calendar, any major executions scheduled on Wednesday the 16th?”
Chapter IV
Queen Esther had sobbed continuously since Mordecai’s arrest, though it caused her kohl to run. She felt helpless for in truth, queening was a glamorous profession but one that carried little real power. But then did fly in a parakeet through her window and delivered unto her a clay tablet.
Dear Esther,
I am hanging upside down in Haman’s dungeon, which is pretty much as filthy as you’d expect. But never mind that. As you know, Kill-All-the-Hebrews Day is just two days away and I’m told the standard method of execution, impaling the condemned upon a sharp stake, is really painful. We have but one chance. Esther, girl, you have to step up! I don’t think Ahasuerus even knows about Haman’s evil plan. You know how disengaged and lazy the King is. He just lets Haman run everything. But you he likes! You must go to the King and tell him you’re Hebraic, and if Haman carries out his evil plot, you too will die. Now I know what you’re going to say, that you can’t go to
“I can’t go to the King,” Esther said. “The Queen can’t see the King unless he sends for her. That’s why he divorced Queen Vashti.”
to the king. I knew that’s what you’d say. But you must take the risk. This thing is bigger than just you, me and the evil Haman. Do you realize we have a shot at making the Bible? How do you like the sound of this: The Book of Esther! Think about it.
Your loving Uncle, adoptive Dad and marital adviser, and maybe I have a little crush, but who wouldn’t?
Mordecai
Chapter V
Queen Esther summoned her seamstresses, hairdressers, cosmeticians, shoemakers, jewelers and her perfumer. After only eight hours of prep, she emerged in a form so dazzling and perfect that three sentries fainted as she passed them in the palace corridors, for never before had they beheld such a heavenly vision or a dress showing a little cleavage, a daring fashion breakthrough in retro Persia.
King Ahasuerus was in bed reorganizing his collection of topless-sorceress paintings when Queen Esther swept into the room, with ten ladies in waiting grasping the long, long train of her gown.
“Holy mother of Ishtar!” the King exploded in rage. “You can’t just…Why, I ought to…”
“Your Majesty,” Esther said, daring to break in. “In 18 hours, the evil Haman is going to kill all the Hebrews.”
“Really?” said the King.
“Really,” said Esther.
“For that you interrupted my rearranging of the sorceress collection?”
“That’s not all,” said Esther. She struggled to keep her voice firm. She knew Ahasueris didn’t like weeping women.
“This better be good,” he said,
“I’m Hebrew,” she said. “If he kills all the Hebrews, that means I die, too.”
“Hmm. I must think.” Ahasuerus called for his royal thinking cap and assumed the royal thinking position, which involved resting his chin on a fist. Then he smiled.
“No problem,” he said. “I’ll issue you a royal pardon! Then they’ll just kill all the other Hebrews. You’ll be fine.”
Just then Mordecai burst into the chamber, followed closely by the evil Haman and Ralph, Keeper of the Court Calendar.
“What is it now, a barley emergency?” said Ahasuerus.
“My deepest apologies, your highness,” said Mordecai with a bow. “I, too, am a Hebrew.”
“Good Lord, they’re everywhere,” said the King.
“Not for long,” said the evil Haman. “I’ve taken care of that.”
“You see the problem,” Esther said, pointing at the evil Haman. “It’s him. Just because Mordecai wouldn’t bow to him, he wants to kill all the Hebrews.”
“Well, that would teach Mordecai a lesson,” said the King. “Don’t you think?”
Esther’s righteous anger rose up within her and she was wroth. She ripped the ermine bedspread off the royal bed, sending the dirty paintings flying to the floor.
“Those Hebrews are my people!” she shouted. “Show some spine for once and do the right thing! Impale the evil Haman.”
“She…she yelled at me,” said Ahasuerus, stunned. “She yelled at the King.”
“Apologies, your Grace,” said Mordecai. “She’s been under a lot of stress lately.”
“I liked it,” said Ahasuerus. “I found it curiously exciting. More, please.”
“Pardon the Hebrews right now,” Esther yelled. “Impale the evil Haman. Make Mordecai prime minister. Buy me a dozen new pairs of stockings.”
King Ahasuerus had a silly grin on his face. He looked weird.
“What a woman,” he said. “Slave, bring her a whip.”
Seeing that he had lost the battle, the evil Haman ran from the room and out of the palace and out of the city. A troop of the King’s Royal Horse Guards caught up with him twelve leagues outside Neyshabur. He pleaded with them to spare him, saying, “What chance did I have, stuck with a name like the evil Haman?” But the King’s Royal Horse Guards showed no mercy and impaled him on a sharp stake.*******
Footnotes
* pre-nuclear Iran
**though in some interpretations of the Holy Text, it’s “like a hog without a sow.”
***actually the Holy Text is unclear as to whether Mordecai was “a just man” or “just a man.”
****which was downright miraculous, considering that France didn’t exist yet.
*****Persia was a very anti-Semitic country at the time, as hard to imagine as that might be.
******though not for the first time
*******The Hebrews were left alone—until the next change of empires.
Lew -- This reader hopes you recall the parable of eunuchs leaving the Holy Land and setting up shop in Washington, D.C. when next (brilliantly) interpreting ancient text.
If only.