Biden Moving into Assisted Living Facility

But Will Stay in Presidential Race

President Biden will move into the posh Sunnyvale Senior Assisted Living and Rehabilitative Care Center near Alexandria, Va., sometimes reliable sources said today, but will continue his increasingly controversial race for the Presidency from there.

“I am in this election campaign for keeps,” the President said in a very short press conference, “whether the American people like it or not.”

Biden emphasized that he is “sharp and alert” between 10 AM and 7 PM on most weekdays and said “that is when 90 percent of presidential decisions are made.”

If a decision is required outside those parameters, Biden said, “it will be made by Jill and Kamala, with me in consultation, of course.”

Constitutional scholars pointed out there is ample precedent for such an arrangement as Woodrow Wilson’s wife, Edith Bolling Galt Wilson, ran the country for years after Wilson suffered a debilitating stroke.

Mrs. Biden said that Sunnyvale was the perfect place for “an aging chief executive who can do the job effectively, but needs to take frequent naps and sit quietly now and then with a nice cup of hot tea with honey.” The facility will supply aides to attend the President 24 hours a day, help him into and out of the shower and prepare light snacks.

They will allow him to attend meetings with advisers, Cabinet members and foreign leaders when it is not too tiring.

Meanwhile, thousands of Congressmen, governors and other Democratic officials lined up outside the White House today hoping to see Biden and convince him not to run.

But former President Trump dissented, telling a mixed audience of hyenas and werewolves at a rally in Muscatello, Idaho, “Senile Joe has every right to run for President, and shouldn’t abandon his futile quest.”