Assassins Flock to Trump Golf Courses

Secret Service Warns of Overcrowding

Assassins practice assassinating.

America’s top assassins—and many not so expert— are converging on golf courses owned by Donald Trump, both local police and FBI sources warned today.

“We’re worried sick about this trend, which is causing overcrowded conditions in the golf-course shrubbery where assassins like to hide,” said Captain Greg Piddlingham of the West Palm Beach Police Dept. “Most of these assassins aren’t very stable and they’re all armed, so things get tense out there. We’re also concerned about environmental damage and illegal parking.”

Trump’s three Florida golf clubs are especially popular with assassins now. “With the cold weather coming, Nobody wants to sit around freezing their butt off waiting for Trump to show up in New Jersey or Scotland,” said Piddlingham.

Tent cities have sprung up around the perimeters of the Florida courses, as assassins stake their claims for campgrounds, though some sleep in their motor vehicles.

“If you don’t get here by 7 AM, forget about it,” said Barley Feint, a psychopathic killer from Doorstop, Ala. “You’re not gonna get a good shooting position.”

Feint has found himself a shady spot behind a palm tree just off the par-four eighth hole at the West Palm Beach club where he has parking nearby and a clear shot at the green. His semiautomatic assault rifle, replete with scope, mounted on a tripod beside him, him, Feint takes a swig from his water bottle and does a visual sweep with his binoculars.

“I paid a locker room attendant to tip me off if Trump comes in” he said. “So I’m not gonna be surprised.”

Police and the Secret Service have warned Trump repeatedly that golf courses are too sprawling and close to public roads to be protected properly, but Trump, a golf fanatic who values the game above his family, his business or democracy, refuses to quit or even play less frequently. Although the assassins don’t know when Trump is coming, they do know he will show up sooner or later, and they are patient.

FBI sources said that would-be assassin Ryan W. Routh lay in wait for twelve hours at Trump’s club in West Palm Beach on Sunday hoping to get a shot at the former President. Routh was arrested and charged with two firearms violations after a Secret Service agent spotted a rifle barrel sticking out of a fence.

“Amateurs!” said Glyph Pippup, a veteran assassin who claims to have killed more than fifty politicians, actors and social-media influencers. “These youngsters today,” he said, “they have no firearms training, no discipline. “They come strutting in here and think they’re gonna bag a national politician on day one. After a half hour, they’re bored and playing with their phone.”