Donald Trump campaigns in Philadelphia, apparently not noticing that the homeless man he was addressing had left.
Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump is still telling everyone that he won Tuesday night’s big debate against Democrat Kamala Harris, even though the overwhelming consensus of polls, pols and pundits says otherwise.
Trump first appeared in the “spin room” immediately after the event at Philadelphia’s National Constitution Center to tell reporters that he had been the victor. It is unusual for candidates to do so, normally assigning lackeys and minions to that task.
Throughout the night and into the early morning, Trump prowled the hotels, bars and back alleys of Philadelphia, telling anyone he came across that he had won. Sleeping homeless people were startled and several complained grumpily about being rudely awakened. Two of them fled in alarm.
At one point, Trump interrupted an apparent mugging.
“Are you an illegal immigrant?” he demanded of the gunman.
“Yes,” the suspect replied in heavily accented English. “My government let me out of prison and sent me here to rob, rape and eat pets.”
“I knew it,” said Trump. “Did you see the debate?”
“No, I was busy cooking schnauzer tacos.”
“Well, I really kicked her ass.”
At 9:30 A.M., frantic aides found Trump in suburban Devon, telling the crew of a garbage truck that he had “really kicked her ass. She’s so embarrassed you won’t see her anymore.”
Assistants managed to get the former President on Air Force One yesterday to continue his campaign. He spent most of the flight to Tucson, Arizona, site of his next rally, in the cockpit, telling the pilot and other crew members how he had kicked her ass.
“My strategy was to trick her into admitting she’s a Marxist Communist,” he said, “and it worked perfectly, except that biased ABC saved her by cutting to a commercial just as she said it.”
At his Tucson rally today, Trump spent the first hour talking about winning the debate. “I really kicked me some ass,” he said.
Later, he transitioned to other subjects, such as how Biden had destroyed the U.S. and how he, Trump, would save it with tariffs.
Trump then forbade the crowd from leaving early.
“She says you get bored and go home,” Trump said. “Is anyone bored?”
The crowd responded with a mighty “nope, not me.”
But then Trump spotted an elderly woman pushing her walker toward an exit.
“Get back there, old woman,” he shouted. “Nobody leaves till I’m done.”
Bobby Kennedy said today on Fox that Harris "clearly won" the debate. So much for Surgeon General.
If we had smell-o-vision, that would be the end of Trump.