Tucker Carlson: Welcome to my podcast, Herr Hitler.
Hitler: You vill call me “Der Fuhrer.” Dot is mine title vich I go by. I earned dis title vair und sqvare, by building der vorld’s biggest kollection of konzendration kampfs.
Carlson: While I respect your position as an elder statesman with a really long bio in Wikipedia, I cannot in good conscience call you “Der Fuhrer” because it’s important for me to maintain the illusion of journalistic integrity.
Hitler: You are Judin, I am korrect?
Carlson: (chuckling) Nope, not me. No. Not at all. (clears throat) Now in your new book, “Black Forest Hillbilly,” you maintain that Churchill started World War II with the connivance of Franklin Roosevelt and Humphrey Bogart.
Hitler: Ja, dot is der trute. Bogarde—he vas Judin, you know— vas der master of das propagandas. Everybody vas krazy aboud us National Socialists until dey have seen “Der Mench from Kasablanka!” Lies! Lies! Major Strasser did not order Rick’s place klosed. Himmler told me dis himself.
Carlson: I never found the film credible. Except for that wonderful ending, of course.
Hitler: Ja, dot Bergman she vas some dish! Und ven dey are talking about das Wehrmacht marching true Paris, der tears are komink to mine ice.
Carlson: Excuse me, sir. I’m afraid my German isn’t really up to snuff here. Do you mind if I bring in our translator?
Hitler: Not at all. I’m tired of speaking in that stupid accent, which frankly sounded more Yiddish than German.
Carlson: My apologies. I reference what your book calls “the false narrative of World War II” with its “casting us Nazis as the bad guys in black hats when we were just trying to save the world from the Jewish-Wall Street-mainstream-media conspiracy.”
Hitler: Yes, that’s right. I was the peace guy. I kept trying to make peace but Churchill shut down the peace process that his predecessor, Chamberlain, was forging with us.
Carlson: But didn’t you invade Poland with no valid reason?
Hitler: (sighs heavily) Sure, but I didn’t want to! See, I was just trying to invade Russia and Poland was in the way!
Carlson: I didn’t know that.
Hitler: I asked the Poles, I was very polite. I said, look, all we ask is let us build a six-lane autobahn right down the middle of Poland, maybe a few service areas, nothing fancy, and our tanks will roll right across it to Russia, they’ll be gone before you know it, and then it all belongs to the Polish people.
Carlson: And they turned that down?
Hitler: I know. Unbelievable right? They said they had to first do an environmental impact study which would take three years. Well, gotterdamnerung it all, there goes my whole timetable. I couldn’t wait. I had to be in Russia by winter, so Herm Goering could go skiing in the Caucasus. Then there was France, Belgium, Norway, England… I mean a Nazi’s work is never done, ya know?
Carlson’s: I do, but my agreement with you should not be taken as indicative of anything more than a podcast host’s natural tendency to pretend to empathize with his guest to get him to open up. But now I’m gonna toss you a tough one, okay?
Hitler: Fire away.
Carlson: Okay. Are you a Holocaust denier?
Hitler: Who, me? No way, Tucker. Those guys are conspiracy nuts. Oh no, the Holocaust was real. But the thing is, I didn’t do it. It was all my crazy assistant, Hess.
Carlson: Wasn't he the one who stole a plane and flew it to England?
Hitler: Right. So he comes in one day, he says, “Mein Fuhrer, what’re we gonna do about the Jews?” I said, "Don’t bother me with that now, Rudolf. I’m busy designing the Polish Turnpike.” But Fuhrer,” he says, “It was a campaign promise.” I said, “I’m thinking of naming one of the rest stops the Eva Braun Service Area. You know, she’s always complaining I don’t take her anywhere. So now I can say, ‘Look, I took you to Poland!’” So he says, “You promised the German people you’d do something about the Jews.” The guy was relentless. So I threw one of my famous Hitler tantrums. I yelled, I screamed, I threw a bust of Bismarck against the wall. Then in the blink of an eye, I returned to my usual calm. “Tell you what,” I said. “You’re a smart guy. You’re a top Nazi. You figure out what to do with the Jews.” So he came up with the Holocaust. But did he run it past me like he was supposed to? No. He just went and did it.
Carlson: Do you really expect us to believe that Hess could carry out an operation of that size on his own?
Hitler: Sure. He’d just tell people, “The Fuhrer wants this or that done in two days.” And they’d do it. And he recruited some top-notch people, like Heydrich. That guy was so Nazi, he even scared me. Did you know Swastika magazine had to end its annual Scariest Nazi of the Year issue because Heydrich won six years in a row?
Carlson: People in the West don’t know Heydrich as well as some of your other top subordinates, like Goering and Goebbels. Why is that?
Hitler: Because Heydrich had no sense of humor. Now Goebbels, he was a riot.
Carlson: Joseph Goebbels was funny?
Hitler: Oh, man. You should’ve been in the Fuhrerbunker in ‘45. He kept us in stitches. All he had to say was, “Hide the women, here comes Ivan!” and we’d all break up. Well, at least the men would break up. It was the way he said it, you know, with a quiver of fear in his voice. That became his tagline; no one else could give it that same comic spin that he could. I’ll tell you this, when he and Mrs. Goebbels shot themselves, a lot of the fun went out of the bunker. I remember Eva looked very sad and said to me, “It’s just not the same without Joe. I wish to God there was some secret tunnel out of here. And I just smiled and said, “Follow me.”
Carlson: That’s a very funny story, and a poignant one as well. I’d like to thank you, Adolf Hitler, for that behind-the-scenes look at the Third Reich."
Hitler: Nice to be here.
“Da Mensch from Casablanca??!!
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When I saw the headline, I thought it was more of your satire.
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