Diddy or Didn’t He? When a video of rich and famous rap mogul J. Paul Diddy (Will Smith) kicking his pregnant girlfriend Sarcoma (Megan Thee Stallion) down six flights of stairs surfaces, the craven poltroon decides that running for president will help him avoid punishment. But once he unexpectedly wins the election, Diddy gets serious, crowns himself Kingy and declares permanent martial law. This infuriates Sarcoma, now teaching Nigerian yoga to the homeless. She organizes an army of rappers and pop stars, who rise up in musical rebellion. Singing and dancing ensues, much of it gory.
Batman vs. Elon Musk Described by transfixed insiders as the ultimate Batman spinoff, this epic dystopian spectacle engages the viewer on two different levels: the everyday and the intestinal. Batman (Jason Schwartzman) awakens from drugged sleep to find space tycoon and alternate-universe resident Elon Musk (Rainn Wilson) siting on his chest declaring, “I am the new Batman.” The ensuing three-hour battle between them, fought with fists, knives, blowtorches and planet-busting nukes, is the longest and loudest fight scene in film history. Few in the preview audiences survived it.
Batman vs. Bateman Billed as a dyslexian thriller, this bloody spectacle pits Batman (Jonah Hill) against versatile veteran actor Jason Bateman (Michael Cera). Exhausted by his titanic struggle against Elon Musk, a listless and distracted Batman falls easy prey to Bateman, who takes advantage of the similarity in their names to sow fatal confusion everywhere. Though slightly marred by an incomprehensible ending and middle, B vs. B makes its mark as the only sequel in movie history to be released at the same time as the original. Audiences are said to be spelling-bound.
Mark of Destiny II The only sequel in movie history to be released before the original, this fictional biopic originally was titled “Gladiator III,” and was set in ancient Bulgaria. But it was rebooted to take advantage of the rising popularity of controversial North Carolina gubernatorial candidate Mark Robinson (Chris Rock), whose fictitious life as a third-century barbarian demigod takes him from galley slave to porn star to ruler of a mighty empire stretching from Durham, N.C. to Mongolia.
Muddle East In this up-to-the-minute dystopian political ecothriller, increasingly disturbed Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu (an unrecognizable Julia Roberts) orders the Mossad to implant explosive devices in the electric toothbrush of Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi (Brad Pitt). But Israeli voters decide their entrenched leader has finally gone too far and stake him nude to an anthill in the Negev desert with a side of cole slaw. His successor, antiwar activist Silvera Meir (Lady Gaga) granddaughter of first woman Israeli premier Golda Meier (Demi Moore wearing only a Star of David pendant) signs peace treaties with Syria and Iran but the terrorist group Hezboola-boola has hired Batman (Ryan Gosling), now turned Palestinian mercenary, to disrupt the peace process with tabasco-sauce-spewing drones that ruin Israel’s entire hummus crop.
The Goo Those of you clamoring for an epic interracial dystopian horror romcom finally get your wish in “The Goo.” Matthew McConaughey and Beyonce star as a couple of ER nurses who discover an obsequious slime from outer space that transforms them into transgender North Korean assassins trained to do in Tom Hanks (Justin Bateman) thus destroying the American movie industry. But when one of them falls in love with Hanks, all their indoctrination goes right out the window along with the plot.
All will get 100% on Ratan Potatoes. Micheal Cera as Bateman! Oscar, please.