In a compromise decision that may shake up the Netanyahu government, the Israeli Supreme Court ruled 9-0 that ultra-Orthodox Jewish men must be subject to the military draft but do not have to kill on the Sabbath.
The unanimous decision was handed down in tablet form by the chief justice on top of Mount Sinai, as is the custom in Israel.
In the valley below, super religious Jews protested the decision, carrying signs that read, “I’m Busy Reading the Sacred Talmud; Let Somebody Else Shoot the Arabs.” Another protester held up a sign saying, “Take My Cousin Larry, the Lazy Bum.”
The court also ruled that the Israeli Defense Force must now make helmets in the shape of the black hats that the highly religious Orthodox men wear, so that they feel comfortable in their new role as soldiers.
Israeli officers who were interviewed said they thought that Orthodox recruits would be easily integrated into the IDF.
“Instead of yelling left face,” said one training officer, “We’ll say, “God says, turn left!”
Writing for the majority, Justice Morris K. Shinbaum explained, “When Israel was founded in 1948, there were about 16 of these black hats, so it didn’t matter. Now there’s zillions of them! And they all want to be exempt.”
In other religious news, the Coca-Cola company said it had made a deal with Saudi Arabia to rush two million cans of Coke to the Hajj, where 1,300 pilgrims have died from heat-related causes.
Oh Larry, you should have stayed in the Yeshiva! Still, he’s a bum. He almost married a shiksa. Uzi set to Sabbath mode is why we need A I.